Not Every Number

Not Every Number

My therapist asked me how 

I can be so confident and unconfident at the 

same time, 

I said it's because I'm a 

Gemini.

I started seeing 6 when I 

Started seeing every number, 

Expecting a calculation to add up

To why I was feeling so catastrophic,

When the empress reversed split

Apart the earth beneath me,

Unleashing a monsoon down my cheeks

In the closet, 

I wanted to know the answer.

My therapist said I

Especially hate not knowing

Everything.

That made me feel special.

Other people tolerate the unknown,

I tear it apart.

Get away from me.

If I can’t figure you out,

I’ll just kill you.

My birthday, 

6-1-3-2-0-0-1,

Adds up to 13,

Which adds up to 4.

The time I was born,

3:49pm, 

3-4-9,

Equals 16, 

Equals 7,

But in army time it’s

1-5-4-9,

Equals 19,

Equals 10,

Equals 1.

4-7-1

Equals 12,

Equals 3,

My lucky number.

But that’s not every number.

My therapist said I make the

Uncommon common.

I am one in a million,

But there’s also 8 billion people

In the world.

When my health anxiety made me scared

Of colon cancer since my doctor

Thought anal fissures were too rare,

Even though colon cancer is much more

Rare, 

And I’d much rather have little paper cuts 

On my anus than

Cancer, 

I crunched the numbers.

Papi got colon cancer at 

79, 

Equals 16,

Equals 7,

But he was a heavy smoker for 

25 years.

My mom was born with 400-500 eggs,

Each with their own genetics,

My father produced 

Millions of sperm every day,

Each with their own genetics.

The amount of mitosis could

Break the world even though 

It’s just a tiny speck of the world.

The math is inherent,

But calculating the math is

Impossible.

I never even cared for math.

Every tarot reading I’ve gotten has been

Wrong. 

You’ll find financial success.

Wrong.

You’ll find a boyfriend soon.

Hopelessly wrong.

Actually, you won’t get a boyfriend for

10 years, if that.

Odds are atrocious.

Tried again the next day with someone else.

Odds are fantastic.

Just work on your

Confidence.

She was pulling cards next to her

Shrine to Aphrodite.

There’s no mistaking that.

When I was talking to Abby,

I pulled a card that read

Efficiency. 

I don’t need efficiency,

I’d said.

I’m extremely efficient.

The king of the craft.

I was wrong. 

Efficient is not fast.

Efficient is not ingesting everything. 

6 month checkup at therapy.

6 months into the lease, empress and I exploded.

6 years starting when a ticking bomb robbed my college experience.

666 was just the mark of the beast,

Not even Satan,

But potentially also the antichrist.

616 is the other number,

6-1-6 equals 

13.

June 13,

6-13.

Not 7, because God is the 

Perfect 7.

Devil is 6,

Just under perfect.

Misunderstood.

Blamed for all evil.

My therapist calls them ruminations,

I say they’re calculations,

To my fixating brain

It's all the 

Same. 

Soon I'll be 25,

My prefrontal cortex

Might recalibrate and force them down the drain,

Or download a malware upgrade 

And again I'll mistake

Speed for infinite net gain. 

Maybe it wasn’t 

Aphrodite, or

Hestia, or

Hecate, but

Wings that fall without

Fruitful potential.

6 years to get completely

Bulldozed and rebuild myself as

A confident adult.

Maybe none of it’s even

Real.

I am an atheist

First and foremost. 

But I learned in my adulthood to no longer

Harbor fear over answering the phone. 

So,

I talked to Satan, 

He said be yourself

They try to destroy your shine by

Calling it darkness.

But you know better,

You know the truth.

The rage and

Wrath was necessary,

But it’s time to

Let go.

Be the connection,

Not the 

Destruction.